A Guaranteed Way to Raise Christian Children

Congratulation mom and dad, you’ve brought home your child from the hospital…. Sorry, you had your first child, via home birth. Whew, we almost missed that one. It would have been off to a very poor start. Now that your new little precious is safely, still, at home, let’s get started on doing it right. You must also keep in mind it is your Christian duty to have as many of these little darlings as possible, that’s the only way to ensure a future Christian nation. (I’m not against having lots of children by the way, just an observation of certain fundamentalist tribes).

The next step is you need to get that baby on a strict schedule. After all, you need your sleep, and your baby can sleep if you follow the proper protocols. For one, it all needs to be timed out. If they cry because they are hungry…. Ooops, hahaha, I almost missed that one as well, they aren’t hungry, they are little sinners. Silly me. As I was saying, they need to be on a strict schedule. Sleep, eat, poop, and plenty of forced awake time, so they get used to being awake. You can train them to follow this routine and you, and your husband will be back to the regularly scheduled program in almost no time. I mean, you want to get to work on that next one as soon as possible.

Okay, let’s fast forward a little bit, that little darling is now old enough to understand some things, so don’t delay in catechizing them. This is incredibly important. Along with catechism, they should be working on scripture memorization. Did you know that by the time they were twelve, most Hebrew children had the entire law of Moses memorized? That’s a high bar, and you don’t want your budding scholar to get behind. It’s also important to ensure you do family worship before you do anything else. I mean, if you are planning a trip to the park, it would be sinful to NOT have worship first. Satan is lurking around the corner and your children are in his immediate sight.

You’ve done well dear brother and sister; your little guy or girl has grown quickly. They are ready for “school” and that, of course, means there is no other option but homeschool. After all, they aren’t ready for the mission field just yet. A Christian school is out of the question, I mean what if their doctrine is not up to your level? They need to be trained at home thoroughly, and that means Greek, Latin, and Hebrew training in addition to Bible. If you have time, toss in a little math and history. Make sure the history is from the Creation Museum, we can’t let anything sneak in that might corrupt their impressionable, little minds.

School is going well, and you’ve got three others’ now in addition to that first little beauty you brought home from the hospital, oh darn, I did it again. Those home births are going incredibly well, and imagine the money you are saving, not to mention that you avoid any potentially dangerous vaccines or eye drops that could cause serious long-term effects. You’ve done the right thing. I’m proud of you.  

Along with all that is going on I’m certain you aren’t skipping any church gatherings, because you shouldn’t be forsaking the assembling as is the manner of some, don’t forget that. Your little ones are doing great, they are faithful to hit the streets with you when you evangelize, that little Jr. is one of the best tract hander outers I’ve seen in a long time. That kid is awesome. Oops, only God is awesome, I’m sorry for such a silly faux pas. It won’t be long, and he will be heading into his teenage years, but not to worry, if you’ve trained him right, and you certainly have, there is no concern for teenage rebellion. He’s wired tight. You’ve crossed every T and dotted every I, some of them twice, so you got this. 

Well, those teenage years have turned out to be a little bit more challenging than you first anticipated, you would have thought all those spankings through the years would have beat the rebellion out of him, but he sure does seem to have a mind of his own. Oh well, we are trusting the Lord, and where we fail there is grace….  Hahaha, I slipped up again, none of this really is dependent on grace, it’s really how you’ve done.

Now he’s 21 and my things have gotten a whole lot out of control. It seems he’s rejected the faith he once professed, and he’s gone wild. What will become of his soul? Was he never truly converted? You did all the right things. I just don’t know, the other kids are still doing well, they are following the protocols, and surely do love going to the abortion clinic with you, so I’m sure they will turn out the way we want God to turn them out…. Won’t they?

On a serious note:

I trust you caught the sarcasm, and for the record, I’m not against training our children, we need to train them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. But the attitude that this strict regime produces godly children is called idolatry. You must depend on God’s grace every step of the way, seek Him in all you do, and He will direct your paths. Raising children is hard work, and it doesn’t always go the way you plan. They do have minds of their own no matter how hard you’ve tried to train it out of them, and I’m not sure you’d really want it any other way.

May the Lord help us as we endeavor to raise a godly generation for the glory of Christ.


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