Call Me Dennis… Part Three (The Painful Exit Process)

Posted on by kevinjandt

“Those who make it hardest to be a Christian in this world are the other Christians.” [1]

Ronald Enroth, in his book Churches that Abuse, describes the world of cultish churches and how they behave. The answers nearly apply to every abusive and authoritarian church I have heard about. They all work from the same playbook. Today, I will describe what it’s like to leave one of these places. This is the third article I’m writing about Dennis Lane. Dennis has suffered spiritual abuse, manipulation, and authoritarian leadership. They treated him as a running joke at times. Not all the time, but enough to damage him, leaving him with scars from his short time there.

But that is not the worst of it.

The joy of leaving a place like Grace Fellowship quickly turns to grief as the current members and leadership begin to come after you. And come at you they do.

In article two, there were many quotations from the leadership toward Dennis. He was told things like, “Your feelings don’t matter,” “You’re being feminine for being hurt,” or referring to him as “retarded,” or “Water Boy.” If these were coming from someone in a locker room, it might be different, but coming from a church leader is more than disturbing. It defines what authoritarians do. The rules don’t apply to them.

I will show the messages sent to Dennis, see the ungracious spirit behind them, and realize there are deep issues within the leadership and the congregation. Due to the length, I need to break this into two articles.  The first one is a young man in the church. The second will be a leader and an older woman. In the second, we will also see how this affected Dennis. How he received this and what he will do moving forward.

Our first one deals with a young man who sent Dennis a series of messages. I’m paraphrasing, “Hey, Dennis, you know how to handle something like this, right? We use Matthew 18.” Side bar: Matthew 18 is a favorite, go-to verse when someone leaves. Everyone who has left or will leave will always be accused of NOT practicing this timeless verse for reconciliation. The problem is that this is not a Matthew 18 issue. Dennis was ridiculed in front of a group of people, being referred to as “retarded,” and to cope with the moment, he laughed and said, “Yeah, I’m retarded,” and everyone had a good laugh. Never mind, it was at his expense.

Of all the people in that group, I wonder how many went to the leader and said, “You know, that was really inappropriate.” How many of them practiced Matthew 18 with the leaders? Where are the other leaders when it is time to rebuke this behavior?  

To gain an understanding of the mindset of GFC’ers, I am going to directly quote three conversations Dennis had. We have old and young alike, and it should be easy to spot the patterns. They are trained nonstop in how to respond to these conversations. The talking points are drilled into their heads multiple times per week. It is how the system works, so the next generation is well down the cultic road. For the leadership, it is important that the “church” has a multi-generational vision. For that, you need lots of kids, and they have worked hard to promote the “quiver-full” type movement. Here are those conversations. (Note: the only adjustments I’ve made are to correct grammar or the unusual breaks messaging can contain.)

—————————————-

Young man from the church:

“Hey man, sorry it took so long to get back to you. Did you know that God tells us exactly how to handle this situation?”

Dennis:

“Yes, I’m sure you had to talk to others and figure out how to handle this and what to say. So yes, I understand why it’s so late getting back with me.”

Young man:

“No, have not talked to anyone about this, just been super busy with work. This is what God tells us to do in this situation:” Quotes Matthew 18

Dennis

“Sure, what two Christians (at the church) would have agreed with me, the ones that say there is a time and place for cussing, that it’s ok at certain times, said to you by two elders, to you specifically.”

Young man:

“God says to go to him alone.”

Dennis

“But he wasn’t the only one. You were there, they told you it was ok to curse at certain times, didn’t they? I don’t believe you will say yes, but it happened whether you deny it or not.”

“They kept using the word retard all night and laughed about it. The whole group.”

“They knew it hurt me and my spirit both.”

“Over and over, you couldn’t believe your own ears. So. That’s all day, every day.”

Young man:

“I’m not meaning to avoid your question, but did you go to him alone without anyone else around, just you two, and tell him you believe he is in sin?”

Dennis

“You’re not listening, sorry to say. I was alone with him a lot. I was never scared to speak my mind, never.”

“Yes, I tried to express my feelings. And, he bullied me, sorry that’s so hard for you to fathom. And yes you’re avoiding my question for a reason.”

Young man:

“The truth will set you free.”

Dennis

“The truth sets you free. What is the truth? Try to answer the truth. I’m guessing you won’t. Because you can’t. Exactly my point.”

Young man:

“There is a lot to respond to, not trying to avoid anything. Can I call you to answer your questions more thoroughly and try to understand your side better?”

Dennis:

“I understand you are too scared to respond to two questions; it speaks volumes.”

Dennis says that he is not feeling well.

Young man:

“Sorry to hear that, man. After you’re feeling better, I’d love to call you!”

Dennis

“You’re smart, you know you better not admit to what they said or did. Good choice.”

“Truth sets you free indeed, only if you admit it in the phone, haha.”

Young man:

“Dennis, remember man is fallible and imperfect. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God, including pastor Mike. I don’t agree with him saying retard or cussing, but based on this conversation, I will definitely bring these concerns to him. Hopefully, this answers your questions.”

Dennis:

“Sure, would it matter yes they are fallible, but no preacher, hardly on this planet, would find these things ok.”

—————————————-

I think it is important to highlight how damaging this conversation is and how this young man participates in the abuse cycle. He deflects. He minimizes, and he seeks to contain the damage.

Notice his response after Dennis points out all these things. And it appears this guy was even in the room when Dennis was being called “retarded.”

“Man is fallible and imperfect.”

My response: With as much sarcasm as I can muster.

“It’s okay that “Pastor Mike” is infallible and imperfect; he means well. He’s well-intended, even though on occasion he sins and falls short of the glory of God.”

Our young man has neutralized Mike’s accountability. Dennis claims this happened to him, but the man ignores that part and moves on to justifying the actions.

Oh, but there’s more:

“I don’t agree with him saying ‘retard’ or cussing.”

Me: Again, sarcasm.

“Well, that’s good. Thank you for stating the obvious. Did you miss the bigger picture?”

This is a pattern of abuse. We have no opportunity to further examine the abuse cycle. It’s just brushed off. Not only by the group in the room, but also by the other leaders.  

Young man:

“I will definitely bring these concerns to him.”

Me:

“I’m sorry, no, you won’t.”

That’s the biggest problem at GFC. Nobody has the courage to bring these concerns to Mike. Especially, not this young man. His approach continues to protect the institution, because why would the guy at the top listen to a young kid? This is a redirect; there is no need for independent accountability. “We got it all handled in-house.” 

This might be my favorite line:

Young man:

“Hopefully, this answers your questions.”

Me:

“Ummm, no, it doesn’t. He acts as if this resolves the issue.”

No apology.

No acknowledgement of the impact of this heartless act.

Certainly, no repentance.

No way to safeguard the future or others from experiencing his behavior.

This is abuse 101, and this young man is perpetuating the future of the system. He closed the book on Dennis’s case before it was ever opened.

This is common among other members of the church. I don’t need to belabor the point, but it is important to recognize the patterns. This isn’t simply enforcing Christian doctrine on the rebellious. It is bullying and intimidation to bring them into line with leadership. They have committed insurrection, and they must be dealt with harshly.

Please reflect on this interaction and consider whether this is truly what the Christian life should be about. I am disgusted by it. I’m sickened that after nearly twenty years, the behavior has not changed. It may have gotten worse.

With anger and disdain

Kevin Jandt

[1] Ronald M. Enroth, Churches that Abuse, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992), ix

Making Sense of the Senseless

Posted on by kevinjandt

We live in an unfair and complicated world. The more conveniences we have, the more difficult it gets. As an example, how many user names and passwords do you have? I know I’m not supposed to use the same one, but how many can a guy remember at once? I never had them as a kid because I never had so much at the tip of my fingertips on the World Wide Web, but that is one small example.

I’m involved in a ministry that I never anticipated. I won’t bore you with details. I’ve spilled enough virtual ink that you may know if you’ve read me over the past five years. For those that don’t or just stumbled upon this, the crux is that I and we, by default, have found a home ministering to those who have left or are in the process of leaving spiritually abusive churches. It wasn’t my first choice. I landed in this by dumb luck, and if you are a Fundy, I meant to say dumb providence.

The most recent issue that confronted me is nearly unthinkable. Looking back, it doesn’t surprise me, but this one surprised me. A man I knew once in my life decided the best way to deal with his life was to end it. While processing this tragedy, I’ve had several conversations with those who considered the same exit strategy but gratefully did not. I’m betting if I had time with many others who know the situation intimately, they would confess at one time or another that they also considered it a possible route. 

Although this is my third article on the subject, it is a struggle to say the right things and avoid the wrong. See here, and here. It’s tragic, yes, that’s obvious. The word tragedy is probably too common, and the meaning has morphed to describe something that should have never happened. I agree with the standard definition. One of the Merriam-Webster definitions says, “a serious drama typically describing a conflict between the protagonist and a superior force (such as destiny) and having a sorrowful or disastrous conclusion that elicits pity or terror.”

Here is a definition that fits, at least on a small scale. We have a protagonist, that is the man who ended his own life. We have a superior force. That is the one in question. He is a superior force in the lives of those he rules over. They bend to his wishes, and they bow to his needs. If he declares or intimates that one is unworthy, then it is so. And, of course, we have a sorrowful and disastrous conclusion that elicits pity or terror. Our protagonist is gone. Our superior force is still ruling.

Looking back on all this, it only makes sense that it would happen. The superior force can cause the protagonist to believe untrue things about himself. Suppose the protagonist confesses that he has come to believe in the Lord as Savior. We see a significant change in his life. Of course, there is a stage-cage period where he follows the company plan to evangelize all his friends, family, and co-workers. He’s overly zealous, of course, but then he starts to settle down. Was this the beginning of the downward spiral? Wasn’t he constantly after them to convert or suffer an eternity in hell? Or was it worse than that? Perhaps he had some sin in his life. Sin, of course, is the mortal enemy of Christianity. In the circle our protagonist runs, sin is forbidden. Any sin that gives a forward-facing node is bound to attract the superior force’s attention and foot soldiers’ attention.

Naturally, this sin must be dealt with. Sometimes, it is done through private conversations or the reporting of the sheep. In nasty cases, it deserves a visit to the superior force’s headquarters. Not only was the superior force present, but so were his aid-de-camps. Perhaps our protagonist even has his closest confidant involved, and maybe they see the sin as well and either give a report back to the superior force or are directly involved in calling it out. Either way, our protagonist begins to feel helpless. Eventually, if it goes on long enough, he loses hope.

These societies create a dependency state and crush the spirits of even the strongest. This man was strong. He was committed to the care of those he loved, and above all, I have no doubts he loved the Lord, and he is in heaven rejoicing that the Savior would even save a man who was a sinner such as he was.

How do we make sense of this? As the title says, making sense of the senseless. I don’t know. It is unclear at this time. I can’t reconcile all of it in my mind. I’ve heard many things. I’ve spoken to some people. I know the pain this has caused. Above all, those who loved our protagonist the most want answers. Someday, there will be answers. Eventually, the superior force will have to answer for those under his authority because he is fond of saying that it would not be profitable for you if they did not listen to him.

While we hear of places like this and read about them from time to time, rarely does this much chaos come out of one place for year upon year, about 15 years of it. I don’t say and write these things to ruin the superior forces’ reputation; he did that alone. I just said something about it.

In all the chaos and this mess, there is one place we can turn, and that is where I have no doubt our protagonist turned in his darkest hour. The Lord Jesus Christ is a merciful savior. He will bind up the wounds, and he will heal us. His grace is far greater than our deepest sins. In this, we can have the greatest hope. He conquered sin and death so that we may truly live.

Suicide is not the answer, but it is also not the unforgivable sin. I appreciated the words of the woman in this podcast, she describes it very well and the feelings of hopelessness, but all can be overcome by speaking with those that understand and those knowledgeable about these abuse patterns. If you ever feel helpless, please know we are here to help.