The Matthew 18 Dilemma

Posted on by kevinjandt

This series is an examination of teachings and practices from Grace Fellowship, drawn directly from a private video recorded by its leadership. Over time, questions have been raised about authority, membership, discipline, and the ability to leave. Rather than relying on summaries or accusations, this series presents the leaders’ words in their own context and evaluates them alongside Scripture, historic Baptist principles, and practical implications. The aim is simple: to understand what is being taught, to identify where tensions or contradictions may exist, and to ask whether these structures reflect healthy spiritual leadership or something more controlling in nature.

Matthew 18

“Abusive pastors often deflect the attention off what they’ve done by issuing loud complaints that proper procedures weren’t followed. So loudly do they object that they begin to look like the victims and the abused individuals appear to be the real perpetrators.” [1]

Michael Kruger, in his book Bully Pulpit, captures a dynamic that can emerge in church environments where authority and process become closely intertwined.

One of the most common responses to those who leave is this:

“They didn’t practice Matthew 18 with us. They just left.”

In many situations, following Matthew 18 is both wise and necessary. It provides a framework for resolving personal conflict within the church. However, it is not a universal solution for every situation, nor is it always appropriate—particularly in cases involving patterns of harmful or controlling behavior.

Kruger notes that in such situations, the burden of accountability is often shifted:

“And it is the job of the church, not the victims, to provide that accountability. If the church fails to provide it yet insists the victims meet with the abuser, they have shifted this burden to the victims.” [2]

This raises an important question:

What happens when the structure that is supposed to provide accountability is itself part of the problem?

_________________________________________________

When Process Becomes the Focus

“We always think Matthew 18 should be followed….”

That statement sounds reasonable on the surface. But it also ensures that any disagreement occurs within a controlled environment, where leadership defines both the process and the outcome.

Rather than asking:

“Did this happen?”

The discussion shifts to:

“Was the correct process followed?”

This is an example of what can be described as process substitution—focusing on how a concern is raised rather than whether the concern is valid.

_________________________________________________

The Dilemma  

The interviewer asks a simple question: If they have already left, how can they still be expected to follow the Matthew 18 process?

Critics are said to be in error because they did not follow Matthew 18; on the other hand, the pastors state that members don’t have the authority to leave a church.

They are in sin because they left.

They are in sin because they didn’t follow Matthew 18.

They are in sin because they don’t have the authority to leave a church.

In such a system, disagreement itself becomes evidence of wrongdoing.

_______________________________________________________

The Closed Loop System

If someone stays, they are subject to the process.
If they leave, they are still judged by that same process.

The process determines legitimacy.

In either case, the outcome is predictable and often predetermined.

Hence, the Hotel California reference in the previous articles. “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave…”

The situation is reframed.

The focus shifts away from the original concern and onto the process itself.

Instead of asking, “Did this happen?” the question becomes, “Did you follow the proper procedure?”

Historically, many Christian traditions—particularly within Baptist thought—have emphasized the importance of liberty of conscience and the voluntary nature of church membership.

When leaving a church is framed as a moral failure, and when procedural requirements override substantive concerns, an important question arises:

Is the system functioning as a means of spiritual care, or as a mechanism of control?

That is not a question that can be answered simply by appealing to process.

It requires careful examination of both the structure and its effects.

______________________________________________________

Conclusion

If the system being described is as healthy as it claims, an important question remains:

Why must departure be treated as something that must be tightly controlled?

The deeper question is whether the structure itself allows for honest disagreement, personal conscience, and genuine freedom in Christ.

When procedural requirements are used to dismiss or discredit concerns, and when individuals are told they lack the authority to leave, the result is a system in which accountability becomes difficult, and dissent becomes suspect, and this has been the process at Grace Fellowship for a very long time now.

“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth…” John 16:13

–Kevin

[1] Kruger, Michael. Bully Pulpit. Zondervan Reflective, 2022. 81.

[2] Ibid, 72

Hotel California Doctrine – Three Ways to Leave Grace Fellowship

Posted on by kevinjandt

The second installment of GFC’s private video series includes some more interesting theology from the leaders of Grace Fellowship.

Today, let’s take a look at the clip that appears just before the one I shared previously. This is the buildup to the statement:

“You don’t have the authority to leave.”

Why don’t you have the authority to leave? Because, according to the pastors, you don’t even have the authority to join. And if we really follow the logic of the system, you don’t even have the authority to determine your own salvation.

The entire structure hinges on their discernment.

However, even according to them, their discernment isn’t always perfect. And that reality creates a number of contradictions.

Before examining the details, it may be helpful to watch the relevant portion of the interview in full context.

The clip below is only a few minutes long, but listen carefully to how the pastors explain the process of leaving the church.

The Membership Discernment Process

In the first portion of the clip, the pastors describe a situation where a woman waited two and a half years before being received into membership.

The leadership wants to get it right. Who can blame them for that? They say they are trying to avoid affirming someone as a Christian if that person is actually deceived about their salvation.

Mike Reid seems so concerned that he almost breaks down in tears because this woman was unable to participate in the “means of grace,” including the Lord’s Supper.

There’s a lot of irony here, but I’ll leave that aside for the moment.

Instead, let’s ask a simple question:

Is this actually the biblical pattern?

The Pattern in the Book of Acts

In the early pages of the book of Acts, we see several accounts of people coming to faith and being received into the church.

“So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls.”
— Acts 2:41

“But many of those who had heard the word believed, and the number of the men came to about five thousand.”
— Acts 4:4

These are not the only examples.

Consider the Ethiopian eunuch:

“See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?”
— Acts 8:36

Well…nothing.

Unless Philip is concerned that baptizing him might somehow confirm his trip to hell.

The biblical narrative tells us something very simple:

They believed and were baptized.

There is no evidence of a prolonged investigation or a multi-year membership process.

False converts reveal themselves eventually.

Even Simon the Magician initially appeared genuine.

“Even Simon himself believed, and after being baptized he continued with Philip.”
— Acts 8:13

Later Peter confronts him:

“Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours… For I see that you are in the gall of bitterness and in the bond of iniquity.”
— Acts 8:22–23

Notice something important.

Philip is never held accountable for Simon’s deception.

Simon alone is responsible.

This doesn’t mean church leaders have no role in discernment. But when oversight becomes extreme, and leaders begin inserting their own standards into Scripture, something has gone too far.

The Contradiction in the System

In the interview the pastors emphasize that church leaders must carefully discern whether someone is truly a believer before affirming them as a member.

But they also openly admit that their discernment is not perfect.

Yet at the same time they argue that members do not have the authority to leave a church.

When those two ideas are placed together, the system places enormous weight on the discernment of church leadership.

If the leaders are wrong, the member has very few options.

And that leads us to the next part of the video.

The Exit Process

According to Mike Reid, there are only three ways to leave a church.

He lists them as:

  1. Death
  2. Mutual agreement (or being sent)
  3. Excommunication

Then he concludes:

“That’s the three ways that you can leave a church.”

Notice the implication.

Leaving simply because you believe the church is wrong is not included.

Leaving because of concerns about leadership is not included.

Leaving because of conscience is not included.

The only voluntary exit allowed is mutual agreement with leadership.

He softens the claim slightly by saying:

“We think…”

That is an interesting phrase.

Because these same leaders often challenge others by asking:

“What Scripture would lead you to believe that?”

They demand a verse for many theological claims.

So the obvious question here is:

What Scripture leads them to believe these are the only three ways someone can leave a church?

The Result

When most people watch this clip, they will likely conclude that the system being described contains some extreme elements.

But more than that, it contains contradictions.

Leaders acknowledge that their discernment is not perfect.

Yet the structure places extraordinary authority in their discernment.

Membership depends on their judgment.
Participation in the Lord’s Supper depends on their judgment.
And even leaving the church depends on their judgment.

That is the system being described.

Historically, Baptists argued that the conscience ultimately belongs to Christ alone.

Early Baptist leader Roger Williams wrote in 1644:

“God requireth not a uniformity of religion to be enacted and enforced.”

He even warned that:

“Forced worship stinks in God’s nostrils.”

— Roger Williams,
The Bloody Tenent of Persecution for Cause of Conscience
(London, 1644)

— Kevin

Two quick side notes:

GFC is exporting their brand. They have opened a new church in West Liberty, IA. Much of the same doctrine and teachings will occur here: https://www.kingschurchwestliberty.com/

Why do I bother with this? I’m often asked this question. My simple answer is: when do we stop caring about people being hurt? Bullies have a tendency to keep on bullying. So, I keep doing my best to call them out on it. I will stop after they stop.

Call Me Dennis… Part Four (The Painful Exit Process – part two)

Posted on by kevinjandt

“While most pastors are gentle, kind, and patient, others have a proverbial knee on the neck of their sheep. They’ve been doing it for years with little or no consequences. And despite the pleas of the people, other pastors and elders sometimes stand by and let it happen. They may even defend the bully pastor. In sum, the problem is not just the abuse. It’s the larger context that allows it to continue unchallenged.” [1]

As I seek to close out this series on Dennis and the treatment he received at Grace Fellowship (GFC), I believe it is important to highlight a couple of different issues. The primary issue is how he was treated. Christianity should be known for treating people well. Dennis was treated well in some respects. You will see some references to this below, but does that excuse the other behaviors?

Secondly, and more importantly, why does this behavior continue? Why don’t those in the church call to task the leaders when they behave badly? The quote above makes that clear. The pastor and the system are defended at all costs. This “allows it to continue unchallenged.” It’s not just the congregation. It’s also the other leaders. Who is willing to speak out?

One of the things I’ve come to love and appreciate about Dennis is his willingness to say it how it is. He isn’t afraid to speak his mind. He’s honest. When he first approached me it didn’t take him long to say that he wanted to expose this behavior. I’m glad he did, so one of the things he has boldly done is send the article out to those at the church. That has been met with some resistance. If the collective is harmed, they all swarm.

Below are two conversations that occurred with Dennis. The first is a leader. The second is an older woman in the church. I provide commentary after the conversations.

—————————————————–

Leader:

“Why are you sending me this?”

Dennis:

“Because you love me and care about me, this is my perspective on just a few occasions in a matter of just a few months in Grace Fellowship. So, I’m just sharing, so you have my take on my experiences.”

Leader:

“Kevin is a liar and a slanderer of the brethren. You need to repent of your participation with him.”

Dennis:

“Soon, I believe you will be calling me a liar and slanderer. Just for bringing truth from actual events and actual comments from people from GFC. But at least I tried. Take care….” 

Leader:

“There also was no mention of So and So, and So and So (Referring to the family that housed Dennis).”

“I notice that there was no mention of receiving free housing at So and So, and So and So’s for how many months? No mention of free food. No mention of being provided with employment.”

Dennis:

“You haven’t studied cults much, have you? It starts with love bombing.”

Leader:

“LOL. You are using Kevin’s talking points. You were extremely well treated. Goodbye, Dennis.”

Dennis:

“It always starts with kindness. Love bombing. You think me ignorant, I do have disabilities, but completely ignorant has never been one of them. Zero common sense isn’t one of them. I studied cults for years; it’s just this one side-tracked me. It’s a bit different. The night Pastor Mike yelled at me about 5 to 6 times, ‘shut up.’ Even leaned in on me. And then So and So started yelling at me. Then I was asked what happens when iron sharpens Iron? I knew the ignorant statement that does not even pertain to the context of that verse. I said Sparks?’ He said, ” Yep. He as, in So and So, I was being treated as if every word that came out of my mouth was incorrect. I started thinking I’m so stupid, then I was told I’m not stupid, then I was treated as if I was, over and over.”

———————————————————–

This conversation continues to expose and highlight the abuse dynamic that is consistent at Grace Fellowship. You see it coming out of one of the leaders’ mouths. Where is empathy? If Dennis was treated so well, why did that stop when he left and exposed what had happened to him? Does this leader want the truth or to protect the organization?

Dennis is completely dismissed, and he certainly isn’t intelligent enough to figure this out on his own. 

“I notice there was no mention of receiving free housing…”
“No mention of free food… employment.”

Was there kindness involved at GFC?

Yes. Does that mean we tolerate abuse? No, absolutely not, and by reframing this as justification or evidence, that abuse could never have occurred is more evidence of abuse. It says, “We can do whatever we want since we were nice to you.”

This interaction shows the issue is not one of disagreement. It is the inability of leadership to tolerate perspectives outside its control.

The most troubling thing about this conversation from a “leader” in the church is the speed at which he dismisses anything Dennis says. It’s as if he is now dead because he dared speak out and criticize them. Wouldn’t this leader want to ask if Mike Reid called Dennis retarded, or called him Water Boy? The leadership claims they hold each other accountable. Why not now? Did this guy lose his backbone, or did he ever have one? Something like this should NEVER be tolerated. But here we are, and it is, and now it’s brushed off as if this guy doesn’t even matter because he left. And worse yet, he’s a traitor because he has exposed these deep secrets. I wonder if they find it as disturbing as they find his departure disturbing?  

I will share one more brief conversation that occurred between Dennis and an older woman in the congregation. She has been there a long time, and we knew her well. She has had a front-row seat to the actions, yet she chooses to dismiss these behaviors and defend the leadership.

——————————————————————-

Older woman:

“You are part of attacking the bride of Christ. Unless you don’t believe the pastors and members are Christians. Who served you and loved you well.”

Dennis:

“Hi, do you remember asking me if Mike was still calling me names? If he does, you’re sorry he does that. Things that actually happen, you know, are wrong that happened to me. It’s in the article I’m guessing you didn’t even read.”

—————————————————-

We’ve seen this same pattern in the other conversations. “We did all this good to you, and now you are not only attacking us, but the bride of Christ.” How should someone respond to that? They can’t. It shuts down the possibility of finding out the truth.

She creates a false dichotomy.

She, like most members and attenders, is not willing to objectively examine the facts. They have set up the leadership structure as demi-gods who can’t be touched. It is a harmful, closed society that won’t tolerate dissent.

This exchange shows how spiritual abuse is sustained communally, not just by pastors.
When members internalize the idea that protecting leaders equals protecting Christ, abuse becomes untouchable.

The result is isolation for survivors and moral cover for harm.

I want to end this with some heartbreaking things that Dennis told me. He thought he had found a place to belong and to serve Christ. He was wrong.

——————————————————————–

Dennis:

“I thought I finally was accepted. I felt like I finally found my place. Found love.”

“Bam with a brick right to my face. They’re yelling at me.”

——————————————————————–   

A narcissistic leader will always betray himself through his actions and his words. He can’t help himself. We have, at Grace Fellowship, a high-control, legalistic, self-serving cult masquerading as a church. They use theological language. They proclaim Christian Doctrine, but in the end, their actions don’t match their profession. God has also given us a way to deal with this, expose evil. Call it what it is, we have the required two or three or hundreds of witnesses who have experienced the same or similar behavior and abuse from Grace Fellowship.

When will it end?

It will end when the Lord opens the eyes of the people there and calls them to stand against the tyrannical leadership structure. They can choose to leave or demand change. But we know change will not happen until these leaders repent of their abusive behavior. We won’t hold our breath.

I would like to issue a challenge to those who are still at GFC. Do you think it’s appropriate for a Christian to call someone retarded? Or a moron? Or Water Boy? Or Rain Man? Have you asked Mike Reid if this is appropriate, or was he allowing unwholesome talk to come out of his mouth?

Have you practiced Matthew 18 with Mike Reid? Have you called him to repent? Have you or Mike contacted Dennis to apologize and seek his forgiveness? I already know the answer. I know you haven’t, and I know you will brush this under the rug and move on as if he is your holy leader and can do no wrong. You should be ashamed, but sadly, you are not.

As for Dennis, he is doing well. He has a place to live and a community of friends. I pray he finds that love and acceptance he desired at GFC, but will find it without strings attached, and especially without the indoctrination and abuse. I pray the Lord will rejuvenate him and restore the joy of his salvation.

Lord, help Dennis; Lord, open the eyes of your people to see the beauty in Christ alone; and Lord, we plead with you to stop Grace Fellowship from hurting more people.  

With continued amazement and disgust.

Kevin Jandt

[1] Michael J. Kruger, Bully Pulpit, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 2022,) xviii

Call Me Dennis… Part Three (The Painful Exit Process)

Posted on by kevinjandt

“Those who make it hardest to be a Christian in this world are the other Christians.” [1]

Ronald Enroth, in his book Churches that Abuse, describes the world of cultish churches and how they behave. The answers nearly apply to every abusive and authoritarian church I have heard about. They all work from the same playbook. Today, I will describe what it’s like to leave one of these places. This is the third article I’m writing about Dennis Lane. Dennis has suffered spiritual abuse, manipulation, and authoritarian leadership. They treated him as a running joke at times. Not all the time, but enough to damage him, leaving him with scars from his short time there.

But that is not the worst of it.

The joy of leaving a place like Grace Fellowship quickly turns to grief as the current members and leadership begin to come after you. And come at you they do.

In article two, there were many quotations from the leadership toward Dennis. He was told things like, “Your feelings don’t matter,” “You’re being feminine for being hurt,” or referring to him as “retarded,” or “Water Boy.” If these were coming from someone in a locker room, it might be different, but coming from a church leader is more than disturbing. It defines what authoritarians do. The rules don’t apply to them.

I will show the messages sent to Dennis, see the ungracious spirit behind them, and realize there are deep issues within the leadership and the congregation. Due to the length, I need to break this into two articles.  The first one is a young man in the church. The second will be a leader and an older woman. In the second, we will also see how this affected Dennis. How he received this and what he will do moving forward.

Our first one deals with a young man who sent Dennis a series of messages. I’m paraphrasing, “Hey, Dennis, you know how to handle something like this, right? We use Matthew 18.” Side bar: Matthew 18 is a favorite, go-to verse when someone leaves. Everyone who has left or will leave will always be accused of NOT practicing this timeless verse for reconciliation. The problem is that this is not a Matthew 18 issue. Dennis was ridiculed in front of a group of people, being referred to as “retarded,” and to cope with the moment, he laughed and said, “Yeah, I’m retarded,” and everyone had a good laugh. Never mind, it was at his expense.

Of all the people in that group, I wonder how many went to the leader and said, “You know, that was really inappropriate.” How many of them practiced Matthew 18 with the leaders? Where are the other leaders when it is time to rebuke this behavior?  

To gain an understanding of the mindset of GFC’ers, I am going to directly quote three conversations Dennis had. We have old and young alike, and it should be easy to spot the patterns. They are trained nonstop in how to respond to these conversations. The talking points are drilled into their heads multiple times per week. It is how the system works, so the next generation is well down the cultic road. For the leadership, it is important that the “church” has a multi-generational vision. For that, you need lots of kids, and they have worked hard to promote the “quiver-full” type movement. Here are those conversations. (Note: the only adjustments I’ve made are to correct grammar or the unusual breaks messaging can contain.)

—————————————-

Young man from the church:

“Hey man, sorry it took so long to get back to you. Did you know that God tells us exactly how to handle this situation?”

Dennis:

“Yes, I’m sure you had to talk to others and figure out how to handle this and what to say. So yes, I understand why it’s so late getting back with me.”

Young man:

“No, have not talked to anyone about this, just been super busy with work. This is what God tells us to do in this situation:” Quotes Matthew 18

Dennis

“Sure, what two Christians (at the church) would have agreed with me, the ones that say there is a time and place for cussing, that it’s ok at certain times, said to you by two elders, to you specifically.”

Young man:

“God says to go to him alone.”

Dennis

“But he wasn’t the only one. You were there, they told you it was ok to curse at certain times, didn’t they? I don’t believe you will say yes, but it happened whether you deny it or not.”

“They kept using the word retard all night and laughed about it. The whole group.”

“They knew it hurt me and my spirit both.”

“Over and over, you couldn’t believe your own ears. So. That’s all day, every day.”

Young man:

“I’m not meaning to avoid your question, but did you go to him alone without anyone else around, just you two, and tell him you believe he is in sin?”

Dennis

“You’re not listening, sorry to say. I was alone with him a lot. I was never scared to speak my mind, never.”

“Yes, I tried to express my feelings. And, he bullied me, sorry that’s so hard for you to fathom. And yes you’re avoiding my question for a reason.”

Young man:

“The truth will set you free.”

Dennis

“The truth sets you free. What is the truth? Try to answer the truth. I’m guessing you won’t. Because you can’t. Exactly my point.”

Young man:

“There is a lot to respond to, not trying to avoid anything. Can I call you to answer your questions more thoroughly and try to understand your side better?”

Dennis:

“I understand you are too scared to respond to two questions; it speaks volumes.”

Dennis says that he is not feeling well.

Young man:

“Sorry to hear that, man. After you’re feeling better, I’d love to call you!”

Dennis

“You’re smart, you know you better not admit to what they said or did. Good choice.”

“Truth sets you free indeed, only if you admit it in the phone, haha.”

Young man:

“Dennis, remember man is fallible and imperfect. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God, including pastor Mike. I don’t agree with him saying retard or cussing, but based on this conversation, I will definitely bring these concerns to him. Hopefully, this answers your questions.”

Dennis:

“Sure, would it matter yes they are fallible, but no preacher, hardly on this planet, would find these things ok.”

—————————————-

I think it is important to highlight how damaging this conversation is and how this young man participates in the abuse cycle. He deflects. He minimizes, and he seeks to contain the damage.

Notice his response after Dennis points out all these things. And it appears this guy was even in the room when Dennis was being called “retarded.”

“Man is fallible and imperfect.”

My response: With as much sarcasm as I can muster.

“It’s okay that “Pastor Mike” is infallible and imperfect; he means well. He’s well-intended, even though on occasion he sins and falls short of the glory of God.”

Our young man has neutralized Mike’s accountability. Dennis claims this happened to him, but the man ignores that part and moves on to justifying the actions.

Oh, but there’s more:

“I don’t agree with him saying ‘retard’ or cussing.”

Me: Again, sarcasm.

“Well, that’s good. Thank you for stating the obvious. Did you miss the bigger picture?”

This is a pattern of abuse. We have no opportunity to further examine the abuse cycle. It’s just brushed off. Not only by the group in the room, but also by the other leaders.  

Young man:

“I will definitely bring these concerns to him.”

Me:

“I’m sorry, no, you won’t.”

That’s the biggest problem at GFC. Nobody has the courage to bring these concerns to Mike. Especially, not this young man. His approach continues to protect the institution, because why would the guy at the top listen to a young kid? This is a redirect; there is no need for independent accountability. “We got it all handled in-house.” 

This might be my favorite line:

Young man:

“Hopefully, this answers your questions.”

Me:

“Ummm, no, it doesn’t. He acts as if this resolves the issue.”

No apology.

No acknowledgement of the impact of this heartless act.

Certainly, no repentance.

No way to safeguard the future or others from experiencing his behavior.

This is abuse 101, and this young man is perpetuating the future of the system. He closed the book on Dennis’s case before it was ever opened.

This is common among other members of the church. I don’t need to belabor the point, but it is important to recognize the patterns. This isn’t simply enforcing Christian doctrine on the rebellious. It is bullying and intimidation to bring them into line with leadership. They have committed insurrection, and they must be dealt with harshly.

Please reflect on this interaction and consider whether this is truly what the Christian life should be about. I am disgusted by it. I’m sickened that after nearly twenty years, the behavior has not changed. It may have gotten worse.

With anger and disdain

Kevin Jandt

[1] Ronald M. Enroth, Churches that Abuse, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992), ix

Call me Dennis… Part One

Posted on by kevinjandt

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:27)

Peace is a wonderful thing. We live in a world full of chaos. We see it all around us. We see fighting. We see people dying. We see the absence of tranquility. It’s not the way God intended it to be. It’s difficult, and it’s hard. In Bunyan’s classic, Pilgrim’s Progress, Christian arrives at a place called Palace Beautiful. He struggled to get there, and he will struggle after he leaves, but while he is there, peace surrounds him.  

“Now he betook himself to a chamber whose name was Peace, where he slept till break of day; and then he awoke and sang.”

The meaning of “Palace Beautiful” is a healthy church. One that welcomes strangers and treats them well. It prepares them for the journey ahead. There is much more to say about Bunyan’s work, but the story I present today does not represent Palace Beautiful or anything of the sort.

Meet Dennis. He is a 55-year-old man who sought belonging and help. I have had countless conversations with him over the past couple of months. How he found me is an intriguing story. You might say it was God-ordained. I’m sure this is a story that the subject doesn’t want discussed or exposed. It’s nothing new. It’s the same old story that’s been going on for a long time now at Grace Fellowship. I hate to call it a church.

GFC is the opposite of peace. It is nothing but chaos and conflict. The members purport to “love” each other. They love each other so much that they often cite a Proverb. As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17 NIV). But in GFC theology, this means sparks will fly. In other words, we must constantly be creating these sparks so we can be “sharp.” 

How can there ever be peace when there is non-stop critiquing of every aspect of your life?  Unless you are one of those at the top of the pile. The culture reveals what goes on at GFC through its words and actions. They really do betray the heart. Oh, of course, it’s all in good humor and jest, but the Proverbs reveals another truth, “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking!’” (Proverbs 26:18).

Is it all harmless? You can decide for yourself.

I have decided to present Dennis’s story in a personal narrative. He did not write this himself. He has autism, and it prevents him from doing so, but I have attempted to summarize his experiences from our conversations in a letter to himself. He has approved it after reading it, and he affirms that it accurately reflects his experiences at GFC. In Part Two of this article, I will include some direct quotations from his text messages that support his story and the spiritual abuse he has suffered. It is disturbing. 

 

My Story by Dennis Lane

______________________________

Dear Me,

I want to speak to you gently.

You have been through something confusing, exhausting, and deeply painful. You entered that space hoping for safety, faith, and belonging — and instead, over time, you lost your sense of peace.

That was not because you were weak.
It was because you were human.

You did not imagine what happened.
You did not exaggerate it.
You did not fail.

You responded the way a person responds when love, fear, authority, and spiritual pressure become tangled together.

______________________________

You tried your best.

You showed up.
You listened.
You worked hard.
You gave grace.
You stayed quiet when you were hurting.
You apologized even when you didn’t need to.

That wasn’t foolishness — it was kindness.

______________________________

When your motives were questioned, your tone criticized, your exhaustion doubted, and your feelings dismissed, you began to wonder:

  • Am I too sensitive?
  • Am I doing something wrong?
  • Why can’t I just get this right?

But the truth is this:

You were trying to survive in an environment that required you to shrink in order to belong.

Anyone under constant scrutiny, correction, and fear begins to lose confidence — especially someone who already carries trauma.

______________________________

You were never asking for too much.

You were asking for:

  • rest
  • patience
  • respect
  • safety
  • understanding

Those are not sins.

They are human needs.

______________________________

You were told — directly or indirectly — that your boundaries were pride, your exhaustion was rebellion, your emotions were weakness, and your disability was something you should overcome through effort or obedience.

That message was wrong.

Your brain is not broken.
Your nervous system is not sinful.
Your need for recovery is not disobedience.

Nothing about you needed fixing in order to deserve dignity.

______________________________

It makes sense that leaving was hard.

You didn’t just leave a building.
You left people you cared about, routines that structured your life, and hopes you had invested deeply.

Grief does not mean you made the wrong choice.

It means something mattered.

______________________________

If you still feel fear, guilt, or confusion, please remember:

These feelings are not signs that you failed God.

They are signs that your nervous system is healing from prolonged stress.

Healing takes time.
Unlearning fear takes time.
Trusting yourself again takes time.

You are not behind.

______________________________

You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to make decisions slowly.
You are allowed to protect your peace.

You do not need permission to be okay.

______________________________

Faith is not meant to silence you.
Faith is not meant to terrify you.
Faith is not meant to cost you your sense of self.

Love does not demand submission through fear.

Healthy spiritual care feels steady — not frantic.

______________________________

Please remember this:

You were brave.

You spoke up even when your voice shook.
You endured more than most people could.
You recognized harm and chose safety.

That is not weakness.

That is courage.

______________________________

There is nothing wrong with you for needing gentleness now.

There is nothing shameful about healing.

You are not late.
You are not broken.
You are not difficult.

You are recovering.

______________________________

Take things one day at a time.

Let your body breathe again.
Let your mind learn that it is safe.

You are allowed to rebuild your life at your own pace.

And you never again need to prove your worth to anyone.

With compassion,


Yourself

______________________________

You survived something real. You are allowed to heal gently.

Thankfully, now, he has left. It is never easy to leave, but it is always better to be gone. No more games, no more “holiness” police keeping a close eye on your progress. It’s all very predictable with these places. I hope someone there will read this and understand how Dennis felt. I hope they will come to their senses and leave. I hope they will realize that the way we treat the least of these reflects on how Christ calls us to live. I hope…. 

Until next time.

Kevin