Call me Dennis… Part One

Posted on by kevinjandt

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:27)

Peace is a wonderful thing. We live in a world full of chaos. We see it all around us. We see fighting. We see people dying. We see the absence of tranquility. It’s not the way God intended it to be. It’s difficult, and it’s hard. In Bunyan’s classic, Pilgrim’s Progress, Christian arrives at a place called Palace Beautiful. He struggled to get there, and he will struggle after he leaves, but while he is there, peace surrounds him.  

“Now he betook himself to a chamber whose name was Peace, where he slept till break of day; and then he awoke and sang.”

The meaning of “Palace Beautiful” is a healthy church. One that welcomes strangers and treats them well. It prepares them for the journey ahead. There is much more to say about Bunyan’s work, but the story I present today does not represent Palace Beautiful or anything of the sort.

Meet Dennis. He is a 55-year-old man who sought belonging and help. I have had countless conversations with him over the past couple of months. How he found me is an intriguing story. You might say it was God-ordained. I’m sure this is a story that the subject doesn’t want discussed or exposed. It’s nothing new. It’s the same old story that’s been going on for a long time now at Grace Fellowship. I hate to call it a church.

GFC is the opposite of peace. It is nothing but chaos and conflict. The members purport to “love” each other. They love each other so much that they often cite a Proverb. As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17 NIV). But in GFC theology, this means sparks will fly. In other words, we must constantly be creating these sparks so we can be “sharp.” 

How can there ever be peace when there is non-stop critiquing of every aspect of your life?  Unless you are one of those at the top of the pile. The culture reveals what goes on at GFC through its words and actions. They really do betray the heart. Oh, of course, it’s all in good humor and jest, but the Proverbs reveals another truth, “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking!’” (Proverbs 26:18).

Is it all harmless? You can decide for yourself.

I have decided to present Dennis’s story in a personal narrative. He did not write this himself. He has autism, and it prevents him from doing so, but I have attempted to summarize his experiences from our conversations in a letter to himself. He has approved it after reading it, and he affirms that it accurately reflects his experiences at GFC. In Part Two of this article, I will include some direct quotations from his text messages that support his story and the spiritual abuse he has suffered. It is disturbing. 

 

My Story by Dennis Lane

______________________________

Dear Me,

I want to speak to you gently.

You have been through something confusing, exhausting, and deeply painful. You entered that space hoping for safety, faith, and belonging — and instead, over time, you lost your sense of peace.

That was not because you were weak.
It was because you were human.

You did not imagine what happened.
You did not exaggerate it.
You did not fail.

You responded the way a person responds when love, fear, authority, and spiritual pressure become tangled together.

______________________________

You tried your best.

You showed up.
You listened.
You worked hard.
You gave grace.
You stayed quiet when you were hurting.
You apologized even when you didn’t need to.

That wasn’t foolishness — it was kindness.

______________________________

When your motives were questioned, your tone criticized, your exhaustion doubted, and your feelings dismissed, you began to wonder:

  • Am I too sensitive?
  • Am I doing something wrong?
  • Why can’t I just get this right?

But the truth is this:

You were trying to survive in an environment that required you to shrink in order to belong.

Anyone under constant scrutiny, correction, and fear begins to lose confidence — especially someone who already carries trauma.

______________________________

You were never asking for too much.

You were asking for:

  • rest
  • patience
  • respect
  • safety
  • understanding

Those are not sins.

They are human needs.

______________________________

You were told — directly or indirectly — that your boundaries were pride, your exhaustion was rebellion, your emotions were weakness, and your disability was something you should overcome through effort or obedience.

That message was wrong.

Your brain is not broken.
Your nervous system is not sinful.
Your need for recovery is not disobedience.

Nothing about you needed fixing in order to deserve dignity.

______________________________

It makes sense that leaving was hard.

You didn’t just leave a building.
You left people you cared about, routines that structured your life, and hopes you had invested deeply.

Grief does not mean you made the wrong choice.

It means something mattered.

______________________________

If you still feel fear, guilt, or confusion, please remember:

These feelings are not signs that you failed God.

They are signs that your nervous system is healing from prolonged stress.

Healing takes time.
Unlearning fear takes time.
Trusting yourself again takes time.

You are not behind.

______________________________

You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to make decisions slowly.
You are allowed to protect your peace.

You do not need permission to be okay.

______________________________

Faith is not meant to silence you.
Faith is not meant to terrify you.
Faith is not meant to cost you your sense of self.

Love does not demand submission through fear.

Healthy spiritual care feels steady — not frantic.

______________________________

Please remember this:

You were brave.

You spoke up even when your voice shook.
You endured more than most people could.
You recognized harm and chose safety.

That is not weakness.

That is courage.

______________________________

There is nothing wrong with you for needing gentleness now.

There is nothing shameful about healing.

You are not late.
You are not broken.
You are not difficult.

You are recovering.

______________________________

Take things one day at a time.

Let your body breathe again.
Let your mind learn that it is safe.

You are allowed to rebuild your life at your own pace.

And you never again need to prove your worth to anyone.

With compassion,


Yourself

______________________________

You survived something real. You are allowed to heal gently.

Thankfully, now, he has left. It is never easy to leave, but it is always better to be gone. No more games, no more “holiness” police keeping a close eye on your progress. It’s all very predictable with these places. I hope someone there will read this and understand how Dennis felt. I hope they will come to their senses and leave. I hope they will realize that the way we treat the least of these reflects on how Christ calls us to live. I hope…. 

Until next time.

Kevin







	


	



					
						


	

		
Faith Beyond Fear – A True Story

				

			Posted on  by kevinjandt		

			


	
	
			


	

		











In the years since we left Grace Fellowship, I have consulted with many people regarding the topic of spiritual abuse and manipulation. I have spoken to the disenfranchised about this growing problem—good and honest people who have been abused and manipulated.





I have written elsewhere asking the question, ‘Why?’ Why does someone want to control someone else? Especially, in the name of religion? Is God actually in the business of allowing leaders to have complete dominance and control over congregants’ lives? I hope you know that the answer is no. The Bible takes a strong stance against such behavior, yet many still do it. Christianity is about freedom. Freedom from tyranny and freedom from sin. Christ paid the price in full.





Today, I’m presenting a personal testimony from a woman who knows the situation and the people, specifically the leader, Mike Reid, very well. She admittedly had many problems at the time. She was in an abusive relationship. She was using controlled substances to mask the pain. She had suffered severe trauma as an adult and a child. She could have been the ideal target for love and support. The church could have helped her, taken her in, and gotten her on her feet, but, according to her, it didn’t.





She wants to tell her story. She wants people to know the truth about what happened to her, and others will see the reality of the dark side of not only GFC but also other places like it.





Below, I present her story.





———————————





Breaking the Cycle: How I Escaped Control and Found Faith Beyond Fear





By Anonymous Contributor





For most of my life, my family’s story was one of control, silence, and shame. What began as a search for spiritual truth became, for me, a painful lesson in how easily faith can be twisted into something that imprisons rather than heals.





A close family member, once successful in business, reinvented himself as a spiritual leader. His message was persuasive and confident, but his ministry operated through dominance and fear. He demanded obedience, discouraged independent thought, and insisted that anyone who disagreed with his teachings was in rebellion against God.





I watched the same patterns play out within his household. His marriage seemed built on control rather than partnership, and his “conversion” appeared to change only the form—not the intent—of his authority. In religion, he found a new way to command loyalty and admiration.





My own involvement with his congregation came at a time when I was desperate for stability. I was leaving an abusive relationship, struggling with addiction, and navigating the complexities of child-welfare oversight. Instead of being offered compassion, I found myself judged, shamed, and pressured to surrender decisions about my newborn daughter. What was framed as “help” quickly became coercion.





I endured long, intimidating meetings meant to break me down emotionally and spiritually. Every failure was magnified, every attempt to defend myself seen as pride or sin. I felt stripped of dignity and made to believe that I was beyond God’s grace. Even after I completed recovery programs, regained custody of my children, and rebuilt my life, the judgment continued.





Over time, I saw how wealth, image, and power were central to this version of faith. The group attracted families who could support its ambitions, while humility and service were rarely practiced. It became clear that obedience mattered more than compassion, and that anyone who questioned leadership was silenced or shamed.





My story doesn’t begin or end with that experience. I grew up in a family marked by addiction, violence, and abandonment. When I experienced trauma as a teenager, I was blamed instead of protected. That legacy of shame carried into adulthood, shaping the choices I made and the relationships I entered. But healing began when I finally accepted that my worth was not defined by the past—or by anyone else’s judgment.





Through faith, therapy, and the unwavering love of my husband, I began to rebuild. I have been sober for many years, have full custody of my three children, and recently created a stable home where love, not fear, defines our days. My children and I still live with the echoes of trauma, but we are free.





I now understand that true faith brings liberation, not bondage. It offers grace, not condemnation. The message I was once taught to fear has become my greatest comfort: that God’s love is not something we must earn through obedience to another person—it’s something freely given, powerful enough to redeem even the most painful past.





I share my story to give hope to anyone who feels trapped by shame, manipulation, or spiritual control. Healing is possible. Freedom is possible. And no one—no matter how broken they’ve been told they are—is beyond the reach of grace.





————————————-





Thankfully, her story took a different turn, and she has powerfully experienced God’s grace. In our many exchanges, she repeatedly reiterates that she has her life back. She is happily married, has all her children, and is doing well. This still haunts her, and these things bring out the pain, but it is crucial for her to warn others and fight back in a way she couldn’t before.





To explain herself, she told me this, “If I remain silent to the world, then I feel I’m not being the instrument God intended if I keep quiet and allow such veil abuse to be spread using God’s word. I have lived most of my life trying to manage the abuse, be worthy, and be loved. God gave me the strength to come back from death and find love. It took 30+ years, but it happened. I was tested, I made mistakes, I struggled, but God’s love, patience, and grace have carried me into a dream life. I even have the Pickett fence.”





There is another issue she wants to tell people about. It is the problem of multi-generational trauma. The church in Davenport defines things in black-and-white categories: sin or non-sin.  These problems stem from generations of sinful behavior that have been inherited and passed down to children. She believes she has broken the cycle and will continue to break it for her family. It is the thing she desires above all. She wants her story known and heard so that others might be encouraged to break this cycle of abuse. We hope others will see that the grace of God is far bigger than anyone’s manipulation or control. He provides all that is necessary for life and godliness, and those professing religion need to should show their godliness through good works, not manipulation or deceit.





“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” James 1:27

	


	



					
						


	

		
Get Rid of Your Pants

				

			Posted on  by kevinjandt		

			


	
	
			


	

		











I came across something today that reminded me of certain types of black-and-white thinking. I’ve had an audio recording from a long time ago that I’ve contemplated writing about for just as long. It highlights and summarizes the nature of an extreme fundamentalist school of thought.  





Before I share the nature of this topic, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I want to mention what I saw that triggered my interest in this subject. It’s a school of thought that makes things so much easier in life. If you can tell someone here is the line, don’t cross it, that makes life easier. That’s the way to make Christianity more clearly defined. There are rules. You should know them, and you should live by them.





But is that true?





The majority of these issues stem from this desire to live a holy life. I’m not against a holy life, I don’t believe it’s insignificant. Jesus had a lot to say about sin and holiness.





“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire (Matt 9:42-43).





Our nature is to gravitate toward the law. We are all, naturally, legalists. It’s easier. If women can be taught that they need to get rid of their pants, especially if their husband thinks that’s better than they should, right?





Can you show me where the text says we need to do that?





I saw an interesting Facebook post that featured a picture of a woman’s leg, with lines starting at the ankle and progressively moving up. The post said, if you’re such and such an age, you should wear your skirt here. If you’re younger, you get more leeway, apparently. It was so cringeworthy I couldn’t help but laugh and think about this recording. Okay, it’s not skirt lengths in this, but it’s possibly worse.





Let’s ditch the pants.





In a woman’s bible study, the woman asked if her husband wants her to get rid of her pants, should she? The “leader” quips, “Is your first answer, yes!”





I can’t help but think about the craziness this creates in the church world. It becomes a religion of appearances. Am I suggesting anything goes? No, I’m not. But is holiness defined by externals? That’s what it becomes. We have the opportunity to judge our neighbor by our standards. It really makes us feel good about ourselves when we can see that Mr. and Mrs. So and So are not running their home as well as we are. Now, I feel a lot better about myself. It becomes a heavy burden to bear because I have to work hard to keep up my image.





Some of the comments on the post confirmed the bizarre thinking, except if I go back to my assertion that we are legalists by nature, then it makes sense. If you just tell me where the line is, then I will not cross it. I see it all as a self-defeating religious practice, much like the Pharisees.





And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” (Matt 9:11).





Why indeed?





Having an understanding of decency and decorum is a good and honorable thing. We’ve lost that in our society. We’ve most likely lost it in the church, but there are ditches on both sides of the narrow path. Can’t we find a way to seek to honor the Lord without all the judgment and rule-making?  





Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matt 22:36-39).





Do you want to be a good Christian? It always has been and always will be a religion of the heart, not outward appearances. Love God, love your neighbor, continue to seek the Lord’s will in your life and honor Him. Only Jesus gets to define those standards. If it’s clear in Scripture, then follow it. If not, you are free to make your own decisions.





Enjoy this 3:55 minutes of fun and thank the Lord you are not in a “church” like this one.





Kevin






	


	



					
						


	

		
Have You Tried Forgiveness?

				

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“Have you tried forgiveness?”





I wasn’t expecting that to come from the podcast I listened to. It seemed out of the blue, but there it was. I’ve become a fan of the Shawn Ryan Show, and Shawn asked his guest this question. The man was describing a challenging relationship with his father (Starting around the 52:00 minute mark). The father seemed to use the man for most of his life for his benefit. He always needed confirmation and kept score on the good things he’d done for his son. I’m sure it’s not uncommon.





In religious circles, it happens also. Religious leaders use people for their benefit. The stories are awful about the physical and sexual abuse that runs wild in certain religious circles. There is also the spiritual abuse that seems to be showing up everywhere. Podcasts, books, and blog articles have increased dramatically, seeking to expose the abuse. I’m grateful for those.





When Ryan asked this man about forgiveness, there was an awkward silence. He was thinking about it, but I’m guessing he was also thinking, “No way…. That’s the last thing I want to do.” Being a good host and wise man with experience, Ryan navigated the hesitation with a story about his hurt, and how the abuser sought forgiveness from Shawn. It was liberating, he said. “It was like a weight was removed. I’ll never speak to him again or want to be around him if I can help it, but I’m choosing to forgive.”





Forgiveness is the Christian message.





For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14





Forgiveness, or the other forms of the word, forgive, is used 129 times in the New Testament. Romans 4:7 says, Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven and whose sins are covered.





We all need forgiveness because we’ve all sinned against God, but we’ve also sinned against others. Others have also sinned against us. When we choose to forgive, we are not declaring everything is back to how it was. No, it’s a conscious decision to no longer allow bitterness and pain to rule over you.





I have forgiven those in my past who abused their religious authority over my life and the life of my family. I will, however, continue to expose their evil deeds. That is not an unbiblical thing to do. They have no power over me or my family’s life, and forgiveness is something I have willingly chosen to do so. I have also chosen to hold them accountable for their sins, especially since they continue to do those sins and hurt other people.





Forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness is also liberating. It returns the power to you over those that have done damage. It is the better path to healing and restoration.





May we all seek peace, forgiveness, and uphold righteousness.





Kevin

	


	



					
						


	

		
Making Sense of the Senseless

				

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We live in an unfair and complicated world. The more conveniences we have, the more difficult it gets. As an example, how many user names and passwords do you have? I know I’m not supposed to use the same one, but how many can a guy remember at once? I never had them as a kid because I never had so much at the tip of my fingertips on the World Wide Web, but that is one small example.





I’m involved in a ministry that I never anticipated. I won’t bore you with details. I’ve spilled enough virtual ink that you may know if you’ve read me over the past five years. For those that don’t or just stumbled upon this, the crux is that I and we, by default, have found a home ministering to those who have left or are in the process of leaving spiritually abusive churches. It wasn’t my first choice. I landed in this by dumb luck, and if you are a Fundy, I meant to say dumb providence.





The most recent issue that confronted me is nearly unthinkable. Looking back, it doesn’t surprise me, but this one surprised me. A man I knew once in my life decided the best way to deal with his life was to end it. While processing this tragedy, I’ve had several conversations with those who considered the same exit strategy but gratefully did not. I’m betting if I had time with many others who know the situation intimately, they would confess at one time or another that they also considered it a possible route. 





Although this is my third article on the subject, it is a struggle to say the right things and avoid the wrong. See here, and here. It’s tragic, yes, that’s obvious. The word tragedy is probably too common, and the meaning has morphed to describe something that should have never happened. I agree with the standard definition. One of the Merriam-Webster definitions says, “a serious drama typically describing a conflict between the protagonist and a superior force (such as destiny) and having a sorrowful or disastrous conclusion that elicits pity or terror.”





Here is a definition that fits, at least on a small scale. We have a protagonist, that is the man who ended his own life. We have a superior force. That is the one in question. He is a superior force in the lives of those he rules over. They bend to his wishes, and they bow to his needs. If he declares or intimates that one is unworthy, then it is so. And, of course, we have a sorrowful and disastrous conclusion that elicits pity or terror. Our protagonist is gone. Our superior force is still ruling.





Looking back on all this, it only makes sense that it would happen. The superior force can cause the protagonist to believe untrue things about himself. Suppose the protagonist confesses that he has come to believe in the Lord as Savior. We see a significant change in his life. Of course, there is a stage-cage period where he follows the company plan to evangelize all his friends, family, and co-workers. He’s overly zealous, of course, but then he starts to settle down. Was this the beginning of the downward spiral? Wasn’t he constantly after them to convert or suffer an eternity in hell? Or was it worse than that? Perhaps he had some sin in his life. Sin, of course, is the mortal enemy of Christianity. In the circle our protagonist runs, sin is forbidden. Any sin that gives a forward-facing node is bound to attract the superior force’s attention and foot soldiers’ attention.





Naturally, this sin must be dealt with. Sometimes, it is done through private conversations or the reporting of the sheep. In nasty cases, it deserves a visit to the superior force’s headquarters. Not only was the superior force present, but so were his aid-de-camps. Perhaps our protagonist even has his closest confidant involved, and maybe they see the sin as well and either give a report back to the superior force or are directly involved in calling it out. Either way, our protagonist begins to feel helpless. Eventually, if it goes on long enough, he loses hope.





These societies create a dependency state and crush the spirits of even the strongest. This man was strong. He was committed to the care of those he loved, and above all, I have no doubts he loved the Lord, and he is in heaven rejoicing that the Savior would even save a man who was a sinner such as he was.





How do we make sense of this? As the title says, making sense of the senseless. I don’t know. It is unclear at this time. I can’t reconcile all of it in my mind. I’ve heard many things. I’ve spoken to some people. I know the pain this has caused. Above all, those who loved our protagonist the most want answers. Someday, there will be answers. Eventually, the superior force will have to answer for those under his authority because he is fond of saying that it would not be profitable for you if they did not listen to him.





While we hear of places like this and read about them from time to time, rarely does this much chaos come out of one place for year upon year, about 15 years of it. I don’t say and write these things to ruin the superior forces’ reputation; he did that alone. I just said something about it.





In all the chaos and this mess, there is one place we can turn, and that is where I have no doubt our protagonist turned in his darkest hour. The Lord Jesus Christ is a merciful savior. He will bind up the wounds, and he will heal us. His grace is far greater than our deepest sins. In this, we can have the greatest hope. He conquered sin and death so that we may truly live.





Suicide is not the answer, but it is also not the unforgivable sin. I appreciated the words of the woman in this podcast, she describes it very well and the feelings of hopelessness, but all can be overcome by speaking with those that understand and those knowledgeable about these abuse patterns. If you ever feel helpless, please know we are here to help.